Suggested Final Draft
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"The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes."
-Winston Churchill
Empowered by the words of Winston Churchill, I now feel sufficiently justified in sharing with you my personal crusade. However foolish it may seem, I know that I must go public with my struggle, for there are countless others out there just like mepossibly an entire nation. I am referring to the systematic destruction of the nation's high school seniors by The College Essay. Nowhere on this application is there even an attempt at justifying the use of the dreaded Essay. Deans of admissions everywhere are guffawing behind their huge oak desks at the pitiful applications submitted by otherwise promising candidates. It is high time that someone sees that this devastating tool be removed from the hands of colleges everywhere.
Oh, the admissions officers - a very militant title, isn't it? - claim that these essays are legitimate tools of the whole admissions process, but this claim is to be expected. You wouldn't, after all, expect to hear the truth about the circus from the ringmaster, would you?
When asked how these 'legitimate tools' facilitate their decisions, the omnipotent voices retort, "To examine the quality of the individual and determine if such mortals can survive in the harsh academic conditions of this Institution."
"But" I contend, "Fitting 18 years of life into a single, 500-word essay will provide a personal reflection no more accurate than a carnival mirror."
In addition to giving needless ulcers to men and women in the prime of their lives, essays cause equally needless drops in grades and relaxation time. As for the claim that the essay promotes the diversification of the student body, I would argue to the contrary. Instead of achieving an evermore-eclectic blend of students, diversity will be lost behind an increasingly standard uniform of graying hair. Furthermore, the wide array of skin colors will be veiled under progressively more apparent stress-induced acne breakouts.
"That is all extremely hypothetical; what is concrete is the grasp of the applicant's character that the essay gives Us." (I don't know how they do it, but some people can get capital letters when they speak - mostly admissions officers and politicians).
As for my character, by now I have probably come across as foolish, which would be a perfect time to redirect your attention to the opening quote. But I'm not all that bad. It's just that the essays are wreaking havoc at my school. Please, it must stop (Okay, so much for the petty humanitarian plea). I suppose the only way to contain this infectious plague is for all of the seniors to band together, follow my lead, and refuse to write The College Essay.