Internal Essay Edit
Our editors use red ink to highlight corrections and suggestions. Suggested corrections are noted in red ink at the end of each sentence. See example below:
(Insert Quote: "The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes." -Winston Churchill)
The issue that I have chosen to write about is of personal importance, but should be of national importance as well. (Dull Topic Sentence. Sentence change suggestion: Empowered by the words of Winston Churchill, I now feel sufficiently justified in sharing with you my personal crusade. However foolish it may seem, I know that I must go public with my struggle, for there are countless others out there just like mepossibly an entire nation.) The issue to which I am refering is the systematic destruction of the nation's high school seniors by The College Essay. (Wordiness: change 'The issue to which I am referring is' to 'I am referring to'. Spelling Error: change 'refering' to 'referring'.) Nowhere on this application is there even an attempt at justifying the use of the dreaded Essay. Deans of admissions everywhere are guffawing behind their huge oak desks at the pitiful submissions that otherwise promising candidates submit. (Avoid Using 'submit' Twice. Sentence change suggestion: "Deans of admissions everywhere are guffawing behind their huge oak desks at the pitiful applications submitted by otherwise promising candidates.) It is high time that someone sees that this devastating tool be removed from the hands of colleges everywhere.
Oh, the admissions officers (a very militant title, isn't it) claim that these essays are legitimate tools of the whole process, but this claim is to be expected. (Clarification Needed: You need to more clearly define the process to which you refer. Sentence change suggestion: "Oh, the admissions officers - a very militant title, isn't it? - claim that these essays are legitimate tools of the whole admissions process, but this claim is to be expected.) You wouldn't, after all, expect to hear the truth about the circus from the ringmaster, would you?
When asked how they use these "legitimate tools" to facilitate the decision, they answer promptly. "To examine the writing skills of the applicant to see if they will be able to survive the rigorous academic challenge at [insert school here]," rings the voice down from the mountaintop on which the officers isolate themselves from the rest of us, who are not endowed with their omnipotence, the mortals. (Poor Sentence Flow. Consider shortening the second sentence, then combining it with the first. Also, the essay is generally considered a good judge of writing skills; instead suggest that it is not a good judge of the quality of the individual. Sentence change suggestion: When asked how these 'legitimate tools' facilitate their decisions, the omnipotent voices retort, "To examine the quality of the individual and determine if such mortals can survive in the harsh academic conditions of this Institution.")
This is almost as humorous as um Nope, this is in a class by itself. (Remove Previous Sentence. Sarcasm is good, but over-using it looks petty.) Using an essay as one of the tools to determine the potential of a candidate is on par with having a Boy Scout (no, nothing is sacred) hike alone through the Rockies for two weeks to see if he is ready to go on his Troop's overnight in Johnny Hendrick's backyard. (Content Too Risky/Bad Analogy/Combine This Paragraph With Above Paragraph; The admissions officers may believe that this sentence shows a lack of preparedness for college curriculum and that the analogy does not fit, considering that you will write many essays in college. Perhaps the real problem with the essay is its inability to offer a deep insight into the quality of the applicant. Sentence change suggestion: Fitting 18 years of life into a single, 500 word essay will provide a personal reflection almost as accurate as a carnival mirror.)
It is highly improbable that the pressure felt during the application process will be duplicated in the first few years of college (Weak Transition Sentence/Content Too Risky. Remove sentence altogether.) In addition to the fact of giving needless gray hairs and ulcers to men and women in the prime of their lives, essays cause equally needless drops in grades and relaxation time. (Wordiness. Delete "the fact of"- it's unnecessary and wordy.) So instead of cultivating the fine young minds of America, colleges are turning this great land of ours into a land of gray-headed, Alka-Seltzer popping wasteoids (Grammatical Weakness. Avoid starting with 'So', and avoid using the word, 'land' twice in the same sentence. Sentence change suggestion: As for the claim that the essay promotes the diversification of the student body, I would argue to the contrary. Instead of achieving an evermore-eclectic blend of students, diversity will be lost behind an increasingly standard uniform of graying hair. While simultaneously, the wide array of skin colors will be veiled by the progressively more apparent stress-induced acne breakouts.)
"That is all extremely hypothetical; what is concrete is the grasp of the applicant's character that it gives Us." (Clarification Needed: the word "it" is vague in this sentence- consider replacing with "the essay".) (I don't know how they do it but some people can get capital letters when they speak - mostly admissions officers and politicians). (Good Creativity. The parenthesis play has an original and personal touch, allowing the readers to feel that you have shared something secretive with them.)
To refute this argument I offer myself as an example. (Illogical Transition. Do you want to be a negative example?) By now I have probably come across as the type of person who makes people in general (admissions officers in particular) want to have a daughter so they could forbid her to marry me. (Poor/Awkward Sentence Flow. This sentence is cumbersome and wordy, but a bit of self-deprecating humor nicely sets up a transition to your next sentence. Sentence change suggestion: By now I have probably come across as foolish, which would be a perfect time to redirect your attention to the opening quote.)
But I'm not all that bad. It's just that the essays are wreaking havoc at my school. Please, it must stop (Okay, so much for the humanitarian plea). (Structural Weakness. This sentence is too short to leave by itself. Consider combining with the paragraph below.)
I feel the only way to stop this hideous crime against us all is for all of the seniors to band togther and do as I do, refuse to write your college essays. (Grammatical Errors. Change 'stop' to 'contain'. Change 'hideous crime' to 'infectious plague'. Change 'against' to 'threatening'. Delete "all of". Correct misspelling: should be 'together'. You already referred to 'admissions officers' in the third person, but you use the second person here; you should replace "your" with "the" to keep it neutral. Sentence change suggestion: I feel the only way to stop this infectious plague is for all of the seniors to band together and follow my lead by refusing to write the college essay.)
And now, my purpose is achieved, it's naptime. Good -night. (Weak Closing. Consider removing sentence entirely. Using the previous paragraph as your closing brings the essay full circle, and seems to be a natural cutting off point.)